[he's always let her nightmares pass in silence. there's nothing he can do to ease them - but he can offer saying nothing, and letting her pretend like it didn't happen.
it's the stress, he knows, that dragged up the past. the work, the exhaustion, the fact that it wasn't even so long ago that all that happened. not even half a year, not long enough to bury it under new experiences and new happenings and stories to make the memories harmless. but he makes himself take a deep breath. forget. put that away. remember you won.]
...things that are over and done with.
[even he's not immune to them. he looks down at his hands instead of at her, trying to collect himself.]
[ Zero shifts so she can sit up proper, feet on the ground and her gaze tied to the tiled floor. She doesn't look at Merlin, trying to give him the privacy he deserves and not really having the courage to do so either.
She can see his feet out of the corner of her eye though. ]
Isn't it always?
[ She snorts, letting go of the weight in her feet. They slide forward a little with nothing holding them in place. ]
[he thinks he's together enough to look at her, drawing his legs up so he can rest his chin on his knees, arms holding himself together.]
I almost always dream, but I can never predict what it will be about.
[things that happened, things that would be, things that were and far away. and sometimes, sometimes, things that would send him sitting upright, all his rest taken away.]
[ Zero plays a one-sided game of chicken, gaze snapping from her feet to him, back and forth again and again. She wants to look at him but doesn't want him to know she's looking at him.
He looks so small like this and she doesn't know how to react. ]
Well.. that sucks.
[ Is her incredibly helpful answer. ]
It's always the same shit every time for me.
[ It didn't make it any easier, but at least she knew what to expect. ]
Do you–
[ She keeps stopping and starting, like an engine that can't quite find its steam. ]
– can I.. is there anything you want.. need?
[ Finally, she manages to meet his gaze. She frowns. ]
[he thinks for a moment, weighing his options. lying his way out of this would make him more exhausted, and the brief bit of sleep he had has his body crying out for more. so, he decides. give him an inch and he'll take a mile.]
...would you lie down next to me? Just until I fall asleep again.
[someone else's presence there might be enough. it's not home, it's not even his room in the Temple with stolen pillows and blankets to create a nest, but it would be warm.]
[ Her surprise is obvious. She does not have the grace or skill to hide it, not at this juncture at least.
Zero says nothing, but slowly she starts to move– shifting cushions and pulling the blanket so she can make room for herself. ]
Move–
[ She nudges him out of the way, sliding into the space beside him. Zero tucks herself underneath the blanket again, pulling it up over her mouth so she's just a pair of frowning eyes. ]
You're lucky this things so damn big.
[ Even despite that there isn't much space, if she shifted too much she would likely fall. But she knows that's fine– she has no intention of sleeping, but she has every intention of staying even after she's sure he's dozed off again. ]
[the smile that tugs on his lips is brief, but it's playful, not strained, and he settles back down to try and close his eyes. honestly, he almost had expected her to reject the proposal out of hand, to shove him and tell him he was being dumb. but anything would have been enough, anything to laugh at or latch onto that would let him try to approach sleep again.
she's warm and present, and sometimes that's all that the body needs to settle down again.]
[ There's no malice or even real annoyance in what she says.
She shushes him and turns onto her other side so that she can face away from him– still close but not encroaching on his space while he's in such a vulnerable state.
This lasts for a moment.
She shifts again, to look at him over her shoulder.
Then again so she can turn back over altogether.
Zero frowns at his face for quite some time, and then she reaches a hand out from underneath the blanket and pokes his cheek. ]
Hey, that offer you made before– about getting to ask you something.. it's still good right? You didn't give it an expiration date or anything.
[he assumes she's getting comfortable, and so cracks open one eye at the poke, turning his head to look at her. bringing that back up...he'd been exposed, and it was the only thing he could have given to try to convince her of honesty at all.]
Well, since you remembered it? Yeah, still good.
[he'd thought she'd forgotten and he'd get away free. not to be, but there are worse people to owe that debt to.]
[ She looks thoughtful for a moment, and then she reaches over and tugs on his cheek– hard. ]
So you were just gonna' try and weasel out of that if I didn't call you on it.
[ She's not really mad, but it only feels natural to bother him about it. Eventually she settles down, pulls her hand back and pulls the blanket up to her mouth again. ]
Were you really scared when.. you know.
[ Her mouth is hidden but from how her brow is furrowed its clear she's confused and perhaps a bit concerned. ]
You let me win, there was no way you actually thought I was going to kill you.
[of course he was going to weasel, it's like you thought he'd be a decent person for once! he whines in protest, a cry of pain that's really him overacting, but talk about brutal...
his hand comes to rub at his cheek while he ponders that.]
Are you sure you want to waste your honest question on that?
[because he'd tell her for free. maybe a little more overblown, but there wasn't a harm in at least alluding to more than one type of sensation.]
[he exhales, looking up at where his hair is softly swaying in the water currents, and drags the answer out from where's it's trying to hide in his throat, behind his teeth. somewhere it isn't spoken.]
I wasn't afraid you were going to kill me. If you were going to do that you would have done it weeks ago. I've had enough times people have tried to kill me to know that much.
[perks of being a royal advisor, really, and sometimes embroiled in plots that would unseat his king. every time, he had survived - and then, years later, fighting against the demonic front.]
I...didn't expect you to be right, the way you were. Usually when I confuse people they run around in circles or in the opposite direction, but you somehow went straight to it.
[as if the confusion only made her angrier, that much more determined to punch through barriers. his words come harder, pressed out by duty - he's not used to talking like this, and his exhaustion means that it shows.]
And I thought that because of that, everything was screwed up. Though that wasn't what I wanted at all, I was prepared to accept it. That because I'm a liar, a scoundrel, and everything else everyone says, it...couldn't be like it was.
[ Zero's eyes widen, her surprise and shock more and more evident with each word he offers. Guilt and relief fester in equal parts in the pit of her stomach– she feels bad that she'd made him assume something like this, but she's grateful too.. that he perhaps cared about damaging whatever their bizarre.. dynamic ("friendship! you're friends" a cheerful and familiar voice chirps in her head– she's almost beside herself in the moment and tells it (him) to shut up) to the point of being irreparable.
She realizes though, unlike him she wouldn't have really accepted it. That's why she'd sent that stupid message after all.
They hated themselves in equal amounts, just in different ways.
Zero smushes a palm against his mouth, silencing him just as he's finished saying his piece. ]
Quit it.
[ She presses a bit harder, with more force than necessary. ]
Not gonna tell you not to say that kind of shit about yourself, but don't say it in front of me. Makes me wanna' barf all over you.
[ As it to make her point she dry heaves, loudly. ]
I think we know how much we really hate ourselves at this point, so there's no reason we need to say it outloud. It's the shittiest kind of foreplay.
[ She finally takes her hand off his mouth, though it lingers near his face almost hesitantly– like she might reach out for him. ]
Nothings screwed up, except maybe the two of us and the kind of people we are. But you put two fucked up things together and maybe.. they'll be something that isn't as fucked up.
[ The Mikhail in her mind is proud– that she's made a friend and that she's tried her best to apologize. And that knowledge alone is enough for her to feel liberated, finally. ]
Sleep. And when you wake up you can bust this stupid magic shit wide open and all the fish'll tell you how amazing you are.
[he muffles the protests that are needed against her hand, before he falls silent, listens to her. they are both fucked up - people who know it, inhabit it. exist as themselves, just because. and they always will be, but whatever they create? does it necessarily have to be so?
who says you have to be the enemy of humanity?
it's not broken. just changed by what happened - and in some ways not changed at all. she had reached out to him, and it had been the easiest thing to answer back. here they were, lying next to each other, still talking. he smiles then - a calmer sort of thing, less mischievous but still sincere. he'll let her have the last word, and Merlin closes his eyes again - this time, to sleep without nightmarish intrusion.]
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it's the stress, he knows, that dragged up the past. the work, the exhaustion, the fact that it wasn't even so long ago that all that happened. not even half a year, not long enough to bury it under new experiences and new happenings and stories to make the memories harmless. but he makes himself take a deep breath. forget. put that away. remember you won.]
...things that are over and done with.
[even he's not immune to them. he looks down at his hands instead of at her, trying to collect himself.]
no subject
She can see his feet out of the corner of her eye though. ]
Isn't it always?
[ She snorts, letting go of the weight in her feet. They slide forward a little with nothing holding them in place. ]
.. Do you get them a lot?
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[he thinks he's together enough to look at her, drawing his legs up so he can rest his chin on his knees, arms holding himself together.]
I almost always dream, but I can never predict what it will be about.
[things that happened, things that would be, things that were and far away. and sometimes, sometimes, things that would send him sitting upright, all his rest taken away.]
no subject
He looks so small like this and she doesn't know how to react. ]
Well.. that sucks.
[ Is her incredibly helpful answer. ]
It's always the same shit every time for me.
[ It didn't make it any easier, but at least she knew what to expect. ]
Do you–
[ She keeps stopping and starting, like an engine that can't quite find its steam. ]
– can I.. is there anything you want.. need?
[ Finally, she manages to meet his gaze. She frowns. ]
You really look like shit.
no subject
...would you lie down next to me? Just until I fall asleep again.
[someone else's presence there might be enough. it's not home, it's not even his room in the Temple with stolen pillows and blankets to create a nest, but it would be warm.]
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Zero says nothing, but slowly she starts to move– shifting cushions and pulling the blanket so she can make room for herself. ]
Move–
[ She nudges him out of the way, sliding into the space beside him. Zero tucks herself underneath the blanket again, pulling it up over her mouth so she's just a pair of frowning eyes. ]
You're lucky this things so damn big.
[ Even despite that there isn't much space, if she shifted too much she would likely fall. But she knows that's fine– she has no intention of sleeping, but she has every intention of staying even after she's sure he's dozed off again. ]
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[the smile that tugs on his lips is brief, but it's playful, not strained, and he settles back down to try and close his eyes. honestly, he almost had expected her to reject the proposal out of hand, to shove him and tell him he was being dumb. but anything would have been enough, anything to laugh at or latch onto that would let him try to approach sleep again.
she's warm and present, and sometimes that's all that the body needs to settle down again.]
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[ There's no malice or even real annoyance in what she says.
She shushes him and turns onto her other side so that she can face away from him– still close but not encroaching on his space while he's in such a vulnerable state.
This lasts for a moment.
She shifts again, to look at him over her shoulder.
Then again so she can turn back over altogether.
Zero frowns at his face for quite some time, and then she reaches a hand out from underneath the blanket and pokes his cheek. ]
Hey, that offer you made before– about getting to ask you something.. it's still good right? You didn't give it an expiration date or anything.
no subject
Well, since you remembered it? Yeah, still good.
[he'd thought she'd forgotten and he'd get away free. not to be, but there are worse people to owe that debt to.]
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[ She looks thoughtful for a moment, and then she reaches over and tugs on his cheek– hard. ]
So you were just gonna' try and weasel out of that if I didn't call you on it.
[ She's not really mad, but it only feels natural to bother him about it. Eventually she settles down, pulls her hand back and pulls the blanket up to her mouth again. ]
Were you really scared when.. you know.
[ Her mouth is hidden but from how her brow is furrowed its clear she's confused and perhaps a bit concerned. ]
You let me win, there was no way you actually thought I was going to kill you.
no subject
his hand comes to rub at his cheek while he ponders that.]
Are you sure you want to waste your honest question on that?
[because he'd tell her for free. maybe a little more overblown, but there wasn't a harm in at least alluding to more than one type of sensation.]
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[ Because it's the only thing she thinks she would be willing to demand from him.
Everything else, she wouldn't want him to offer up as a consolation prize.
Everything else? Should be offered willingly, because he wants to. She doesn't want it otherwise. ]
Tell me.
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I wasn't afraid you were going to kill me. If you were going to do that you would have done it weeks ago. I've had enough times people have tried to kill me to know that much.
[perks of being a royal advisor, really, and sometimes embroiled in plots that would unseat his king. every time, he had survived - and then, years later, fighting against the demonic front.]
I...didn't expect you to be right, the way you were. Usually when I confuse people they run around in circles or in the opposite direction, but you somehow went straight to it.
[as if the confusion only made her angrier, that much more determined to punch through barriers. his words come harder, pressed out by duty - he's not used to talking like this, and his exhaustion means that it shows.]
And I thought that because of that, everything was screwed up. Though that wasn't what I wanted at all, I was prepared to accept it. That because I'm a liar, a scoundrel, and everything else everyone says, it...couldn't be like it was.
no subject
She realizes though, unlike him she wouldn't have really accepted it. That's why she'd sent that stupid message after all.
They hated themselves in equal amounts, just in different ways.
Zero smushes a palm against his mouth, silencing him just as he's finished saying his piece. ]
Quit it.
[ She presses a bit harder, with more force than necessary. ]
Not gonna tell you not to say that kind of shit about yourself, but don't say it in front of me. Makes me wanna' barf all over you.
[ As it to make her point she dry heaves, loudly. ]
I think we know how much we really hate ourselves at this point, so there's no reason we need to say it outloud. It's the shittiest kind of foreplay.
[ She finally takes her hand off his mouth, though it lingers near his face almost hesitantly– like she might reach out for him. ]
Nothings screwed up, except maybe the two of us and the kind of people we are. But you put two fucked up things together and maybe.. they'll be something that isn't as fucked up.
[ The Mikhail in her mind is proud– that she's made a friend and that she's tried her best to apologize. And that knowledge alone is enough for her to feel liberated, finally. ]
Sleep. And when you wake up you can bust this stupid magic shit wide open and all the fish'll tell you how amazing you are.
no subject
who says you have to be the enemy of humanity?
it's not broken. just changed by what happened - and in some ways not changed at all. she had reached out to him, and it had been the easiest thing to answer back. here they were, lying next to each other, still talking. he smiles then - a calmer sort of thing, less mischievous but still sincere. he'll let her have the last word, and Merlin closes his eyes again - this time, to sleep without nightmarish intrusion.]